Last year I counted down the days to 40 like someone anticipating a root canal.
I'm not really sure why it was so hard. But I'm glad it was. It's helped me think deeper about life, and has focused my mind more on what priorities matter. I've studied a lot about happiness, and have tried to understand how to really live life well.
Here are a few lessons that I wish I had known 20 years ago.
But first a caveat: I told a friend of mine recently, "I look back on 30 and realize I was an idiot then. At 30, I thought I was an idiot at 20. So, I'm certain that when I'm 50 I'll look back at 40 and think I was an idiot now, too."
With that said, here are 40 life lessons learned in 40 years:
1. Change will happen.
Be ready for it -- in EVERYTHING. People will die, you'll get fired, friends will leave you, relationships will end, you'll get sick or injured, your car will break down, whatever. Expect change and flow with the change. If you do that, you'll flow well with life. Life is an ever-changing river, and so are you. Expect it to happen, enjoy the moment, and flow with it when it changes. Don't fight it or wish it didn't change. It always will. Your happiness depends on how you flow with it.
2. The story is not over
With change comes new opportunities. Don't make harmful decisions based on the inability to see the ending. Because you have failure now, doesn't mean that failure won't turn into success down the road. But the same goes with success, too. Because you succeed now, doesn't mean you won't fail down the road. One great thing about life is that the story isn't written and you have no idea how it'll turn out. Enjoy that journey!
3. Accept what is and love what is
Accept and love life's situation and outcome. The majority of my depressed times are when I mourn over an outcome that didn't happen. If you can train your mind to accept life as it is, and to love what is, you will almost always be happy.
4. Buy a plunger before you need a plunger
Life goes so much better when you have the plunger when you need it, right?
This year a filling in my tooth broke. A couple months later, it started hurting. Now I need a root canal. Should have taken care of it as soon as I noticed it was broken. With retirement, health, whatever, get the thing before you need the thing. Be prepared, get it done early. Because you'll need it eventually.
5. Exercise daily (for your mental health, too)
Exercise has become my Prozac. Aside from making you look better, it changes the brain's chemistry. It's the biggest thing that has kept me from a worse mid life crisis. Once I step out of the gym each morning, I feel like I've already accomplished something hard and big for the day. In turn I feel as if I can conquer the world! Eat better, move your body. It'll change almost everything about your life.
6. Be present and mindful.
Stop and notice everything about the "right now." The sounds, the feels, the temperature, the lighting, the moment. Whatever that moment is, embrace it and be a part of the now. Pay attention to those you are with, especially family and friends. Make eye contact. Make the moment you are in as vivid as possible. Mindfulness meditation has shown to decrease the rate your brain shrinks as you age. It's some magical stuff that almost instantly increases my happiness.
7. Don't compare yourself to others
When you do, you end up comparing your blooper reel with their highlight reel. This is especially true on social media where everyone shows an airbrushed life. Work on yourself and don't worry about others.
8. Choose the thing that gives you a better story
The best choices I've made created a more interesting and better story. The choices I regret, well, those often were the boring, safe choice. Your entire life is about the stories you can tell. The stories are the memories. Life is made up of stories. Go for the stories.
9. Choose the thing that helps you grow.
Cheryl Sandberg said, "Whenever you have a choice, choose to grow." I wish I had done this more. Whenever I choose the comfortable road that doesn't stretch me, I usually wish I hadn't. Choosing the thing that scares me is something I'm going to work on more in the next 10 years.
10. Be grateful
There is no shortage of advice on this topic. No matter what happens in life, you can always find gratitude for something. You can always find the beauty in life. Even if you're dying, theoretically, you can be appreciative of the sensation of breathing in your last breath. There is always something to love about life and to be grateful for. Daily reminders of gratitude will keep you happy.
11. You will likely NOT find "your purpose" or "your passion"
Instead, create your purpose. You have to dig into things to find what you like, and what you want to do. You won't find your passion, either. Just continue to do the things you like to do, and then step by step, you'll realize that you're on the right path. Try this to help find your thing ( I listened to some life coach podcast that suggested this tip):
List 20 things you like to do
Next to each item, write down WHY you like to do them. Those are likely your core values in life
Look at the parallels and patterns and then choose (career, hobbies, whatever) in your life that include those values
12. If you hate it, stop it
Don't waste your life doing something you hate. There are many ways to live a good, fulfilling life. If you hate what you're doing, do something different. Life's way to short for that B.S.
13. If it is bothering you, don't let it.
If it bothers you, and you have no control over changing it, stop letting it bother you and move on. Your brain is a powerful tool and you can decide not to let it bother you anymore. If it's a person, put yourself in their shoes, realize why they act the way they do, and don't take things so personal.
14. On regret
To avoid future regret, take action now. Once you've decided and are now down a certain path, don't look back and second guess. Also, regret is a powerful teacher. Embrace regret and let it fuel you to do it better next time. And then live with your decisions and accept the outcome.
15. Failure is great
They don't reward you with failure in school. But life does. Fail fast, enjoy failure. Because failure, like regret, teaches you what to do next, it teaches you what you are good at, what you like and how to do it better next time. It can give you resolve and is what will leap you forward.
16. Have and end in mind.
Have a purpose (see No. 11). Go for something. Every day, go for something. Don't attach your happiness to the outcome of going for something, but go for it anyway. If you can, make each day have a purpose. This has been hard for me to figure out or do consistently. At 40, this is a piece of advice I'm working on.
17. Love your fate
Amor Fati is a Latin phrase for "love of fate." You'll be happy every day if you work on, not just accepting what is but, LOVING WHAT IS. Epictetus said, "Don't seek for everything to happen as you wish it would, but rather wish that everything happens as it actually will -- then your life will flow well."
18. Take the shortcut
Do this if you can. Find the quickest way to learning something. Talk to mentors, read things, get to the place quickly. I'm not talking about being lazy or taking the easy route. This is about taking the shortcut to success, which is usually hard. It's about stretching yourself, making yourself uncomfortable so you learn sooner. Get to the place you want to be as fast as you can. Sometimes that means jumping further than you are comfortable doing. Again, this is something I've learned by wishing I had done this earlier.
19. Help others be happy
Teach others. Mentor others. Help others achieve what they want. Just help. It'll make you happy. And people will remember you.
20. Don't assume you'll get anything
Because you likely won't. Things usually don't work out the way you want them to. There will be times where it will seem that life is a series of disappointments with some good in between. Everything you get, you have to work for. And sometimes you still don't get it. Don't get frustrated or depressed by this reality. Just keep going.
21. Don't assume malice.
This is one of the last pieces of advice my late friend, Pat Parkinson, told me when I thought someone intentionally tried harming me. When interacting with others, whether at work, at home, or in any situation, don't assume people are trying to hurt you. Ninety-nine percent of the time, they are just doing what they think is best without any regard to you. It may come off as them intentionally trying to hurt you, but it's not. Don't assume malice until you have more information. Assume ignorance. Assume people are like you: humans who make mistakes.
But even if someone has tried to hurt you, does it really matter? Remember the works of Marcus Aurelius: "Choose not to be harmed and you won't feel harmed. Don't feel harmed and you haven't been."
22. People don't think about your success
Nobody is waking up in the morning hoping or trying to make you successful. You gotta do that on your own. Everyone is too busy thinking about themselves to even care about you. Get up, motivate yourself, become something on your own.
23. Don't attach your happiness to a specific outcome
Most frustration or depression in life is a result of not getting a certain outcome. Like getting married, earning a specific degree, making a certain amount of money, getting a job, making a sports team, becoming the President of the United States, becoming an actor, doctor, etc. If you only let yourself be happy if (fill in the blank) happens, you will be unhappy. Be excited about the journey. If the THING happens, that's the cherry on top. If the THING doesn't happen, oh well, on to the next THING.
24. You don't own anything
Nothing is yours. Everything you think you have can be taken away. EXCEPT for how you think about a situation. Your thoughts are the only thing you own. Enjoy what you have in the moment, because tomorrow it is gone. Live like you are on vacation (which will a future blog post) expecting everything to be temporary and enjoy the time you have with it.
25. Suffering is only a story you're creating in your mind
Most suffering in life doesn't really exist and can go away if you change the mental narrative. It's the story you are telling yourself about the thing. For example, if a girlfriend broke up with me, my mind would start thinking things like, "I'll never find someone like that again, I'm a loser, I'll be alone forever, if she didn't like me, nobody ever will," etc. Those thoughts were false stories my mind made up about the situation.
Change the narrative and you'll change your life. Instead, I should have thought, "She broke up with me, that's great! I'll find someone else better and have another adventure!" This applies to almost every situation.
26. Think as if you have already arrived.
I watched an interview with Donovan Mitchell after he scored 40 points in his rookie year of the NBA. He said he meditates and thinks of himself as a longtime veteran All-Star of the league before each game. Then he goes out and plays without fear that most first-year players might.
If you think of yourself as already there, you'll act like someone who is already there. If you think of yourself as already a millionaire, you'll invest the way a millionaire does instead of investing like a poor person would. This is also something I'm working on!
27. Progressive overload
This is a term in body building. It's basically this: Add a little bit of weight to your exercises every week. You won't notice it as much on a day-to-day basis, but in a year, you will be significantly stronger. This principle applies in everything. Improve a little bit each day. Increase your skill set just a little bit every week or every month. Learn one more thing every day. In a year, in two years, in five years, you will be an expert.
28. Grow the beard earlier
It took me 38 years to really grow out my beard, even though I had always wanted to. Going back in time, I'd grow it out earlier. The point here is, don't wait to do even the small things that you want to do. Do it now. Because tomorrow might not happen. It's a combination of even the little things that you try and do that can make you happy!
29. In your relationships, make the other person happy
I don't really have one about family and friends. But this one is that, with a different angle. Focus on making your family and friends happy. That will solve most problems. You will stop asking, "what's in it for me?" which can erode most relationships. You'll make others happy, which will make you happy.
30. Don't give a F*** about what others think.
Don't try to make others happy, don't try to make everyone like you. Because you never will be able to satisfy everyone. Be kind, but do what you like to do. Be you and don't care about what others think.
31. Don't judge others
Everyone has a unique upbringing and perspective on life and have different hard things they deal with every day. Don't judge what others are doing. You have no idea what's going on with them. Most people are just trying to do the best they know how. Just worry about you and help others be happy.
32. Find the awe in life, in the infinite universe.
Since I was a kid, I've looked into the sky and wondered at the infinite. The planets, stars, galaxies, the vastness of the universe. Now I take the dog on a walk almost every night and watch the stars and contemplate how it relates to my life. Most those stars we see have taken millions of years to reach the Earth. Some BILLIONS!
The universe is infinite, the Earth is billions of years old. The Earth can fit inside the red dot on Jupiter. The Sun is way more massive then Jupiter. The Andromeda Galaxy is A LOT BIGGER than the Milky Way Galaxy. And there are billions of galaxies. We're only here for a few decades. We are so small and insignificant compared to the universe.
Let that soak in and enjoy the short moment you have to experience this great thing that is the universe. With this perspective, all the stress and problems we face are insignificant. There's a lot more going on than our small lives. What we do won't change the course of the universe. But we get to experience this life for a short time on this Earth. You are only a temporary drop in a massive ocean. But you can still enjoy your drop while it lasts.
33. Your career will not go the way you think it will
Choose yourself and be selfish with your career. Go for the raise. Change your job. Ask to do more. Take a risk. Don't be afraid to get fired. Be a killer whale instead of Shamu (which is another future post).
34. Don't mortgage today for tomorrow.
You only have one life, which is right now. Make more experiences, do more things with those you love. Don't wait. Live life now. As I write this, I'm also trying to figure out how to do this better.
35. Only control what you can control.
Every day, let go of everything else. What you can control usually is only the thoughts you have about a current situation. You can choose your attitude, the story you tell yourself, how you act, you decisions, about any situation. That's it. Everything else is out of your control. Let it go.
36: Know yourself, and love yourself
Understand your values, the things that make you happy, and what you want to do. Understand what makes you tick. Understand you and work towards a life you want. I wasted much of my 20s waiting to find out what I wanted to do in my life and waiting for some idea about who I was. So instead of going forward with life, I put it on pause until I figured it out. This put me behind going into my 30s. Like No. 11 on this list, I should have gone forward in life to find it instead of waiting for it to happen to me. I should have created my life instead of waiting for it to appear behind some rock.
37. You will die.
This stoic concept is powerful. The Roman generals had servants whispering into their ears that they could leave this life at any time. This helped them make better decisions each day. If you were told today you had cancer and three months to live, how would that change your life? How would that change your decisions and actions? Guess what, we all have a death sentence.
38. Take time to do the things that make you happy
Every day, do some of those things that make you happy. With the pressures of life, the needs of others, the tasks that seem to be urgent, you forget yourself. Take time for you, especially when things are hard. That will help you with burnout, will help you perform better and focus more when you need to. Love yourself.
39. Focus on your own faults, not everyone else's
Don't waste time worrying about other people or talking about other people's faults, weaknesses or misgivings. Look in the mirror, try to change yourself while being tolerant of others.
40. Turning 40 is harder when you are 39
The anticipation of turning 40 was a lot harder than being 40. Almost over night, I realized I wasted the age of 39 worrying about it.
This is my advice to me: If you're sad at 40, it's a classic example of holding on to an unhealthy attachment. The only reason you are suffering is because you are attached to your youth -- a youth you will never get back, and a youth you knew would end anyway. As Seneca said, "Whatever time has passed is owned by death."
Live in the present, accept and love the outcome (like the great kids giving me birthday drawings in the picture at the top of this page) and make 40 great.